You’ll wonder how you will be able to get through your own fears which now appear like an ocean and you will sit with your face cupped in your hands staring at a distance, wondering what to do. You’ll want and not want so many things at the same time that you wouldn’t know what to do. And that heaviness in your heart, the kind that you can just feel but cannot describe or talk of, it will set in with a constant lump in your throat. Tears streaming down your eyes for every little hurt, even for situations which ideally wouldn’t have hurt you had it not been for what you are going through right now.
You’ll look into the mirror and find someone who you don’t know at all. Someone who looks like you but isn’t you. You will skip food or eat two people’s share. You will feel like locking up yourself in the room. And another moment, you would want to run out, to run away as far as possible. And you’ll sleep like you’ve not slept for years. No one would understand what is happening and there would come a time when they will start shouting at you for being indisciplined, indecisive, lost. You will be all of that.
And let me tell you, my darling, this is all okay. They will all tell you to get over the past. To get over what happened and what is already lost and to get going. They will portray it as a matter of seconds. And there will be times when you would believe what they say and decide that for once and for all you are through all this. You would want to set your heart free in an instant and start all over again. And you’ll fail. Every single time. Because it is bound to fail.
Do not believe them when they say that it is all in your head. I know it is not just in your head. It is all over you. This pain, it has poisoned your entire body your entire existence. But don’t worry. It is not something that is bound to last forever. You didn’t become this way in one day. How can you get back in a moment then? Take time to heal. Don’t rush it through. Take it one step at a time. Let me warn you, you will never be your previous self, so don’t set your heart to that. You will be someone else, someone new, which is fine. And before you begin, make sure you remove all that disappoints you when you wake up each morning, be it things, be it people. Stay away from them. Weed them out without worrying about whether it would hurt them. Let them not engulf you into what they are, what they have become.
By the way, are you trying to act all cool, laughing unnecessarily, keeping your voice loud, expecting the world to notice? Is that how you are handling it? Even this won’t work out. Even this is bound to fail. Anything that isn’t real and natural is bound to fail. Acknowledge your problems and those of others. Be loving, not loud.
You are strong. Be fierce. Shout out if you have to. Cry. Feel blank. Empty it out, step by step. And while you do this, take up what you love, what makes you happy. There would be times when you wouldn’t know what is that thing or who is that person that brings happiness to you. Let it be till you can actually figure out. But yes, you’ll have to push yourself through. Fail. Fall. Get up. Pick up. No one is going to do it for you. Take the reins of your life in your own hands. Sooner or later, it will be alright. Till then keep going, one day at a time.
Do one thing today that brings you genuine happiness, just one thing. Do it even if you don’t feel like it.
See you tomorrow.